January 2012

I'm tired.  There, I said it.  :)
I feel like the last 6 months have aged me, both mentally and physically.  I'm trying to fight it, but I think big life change just stresses me.  I have taken up running, added a little yoga, am trying to save save save (or at least not spend so much on groceries! lol....), but I can feel the tension in my life.  Do you know what I mean?  Where you just stop calling friends and family (all I want to do is whine a bit, and who wants to listen to that for six months in a row?).  And when they start calling to check in, you just try to focus on them (because they usually have non-whining things to discuss which are significantly more uplifting), but then after a while they notice!  (Pesky of them, isn't it?)  That you have nothing to say (my mother taught me to keep the snarky stuff to myself), and you've been saying 'fine' for an awfully long time.  But when pushed there isn't MORE to say or do, sometimes maybe there isn't an around, perhaps just a through, as in we will work through this.  Hopefully you will find us stronger soon.

This is particularly fitting after this weekend spent fighting, battling my weight.
You see, though I weigh just over 200 pounds now, I have lost 80 pounds. The thing that motivated me to lose that first 80 was just that I was so tired of hating myself, so tired of being uncomfortable in EVERY circumstance, but I’m not that girl anymore, I hike and bike, I RUN. And now I don’t know how to find the motivation to keep trying to lose weight. I read all of these things about loving yourself enough, taking care of your body and what you put into it, my partner begs me to be healthy for a long life together, but that 80 pounds was two years ago, and for the last two years I haven’t lost anything, I have fluctuated within the same 5 to 7 pounds. I feel like if I could just get to 190 I could really make it, but that just seems so far away.
How do you decide to be thinner than you have ever been? All of the women in my family are obese, I don’t have any idea what I would look like, what my life would need to be like. I read lots of fitness things, I workout like crazy, can lift like one of the boys, I have muscles. No, scratch all of that, I have MANY things to be thankful for, grateful for, and even proud of… but how do you decide to be something you’ve never been before?

Slow and icy - bad run to match my bad mood, but at least I put the miles in.

Friday 5

I love that everyone has been posting positives lately - my friday five:




1. My partner is so confident in my baking skills that we are baking mini pies to take to a bakery to see if they will hire me.

2. Though I kind of freaked out making the pies (not feeling super confident), David has been really kind and helpful. :)

3. My Mom had knee surgery this week and is already feeling less pain.

4. I got to play in the snow for a week, and now it is melting so we can go back to normal life.

5. I am also really thankful for and looking forward to my trip to peru coming up in april. Thankful that I can and that I have friends to travel with. :)

Snow!

Can I tell (whine) you that it is cold? Really cold. Did 1.5 hours at the gym lifting with David yesterday, and am at about that long on the bike today - all indoor workouts this week! :)

Today scared me into reading symptoms of iron deficiency online which is never a good idea (lol…), but actually made me feel much better. Out of the list, I have been feeling most, including aching joints which I didn’t even think could be related. So continuing with the high potency multi including iron, and supplementing with spinach salad for dinner. :) This is a weird place for me, I have always had high levels of iron (blood tests and semi frequent blood donor), I specifically avoid vitamins with iron, and now I seem to NEED it. sigh Running, diet and nutrition working together sometimes still seem like a foreign concept to me despite how much I really try to avoid these very scenarios. I like to feel strong, powerful and capable, I despise huddling on the couch like a frozen lump.

I made a workout plan but haven’t done it. Work is completely overwhelming and I am just exhausted. Plus the scale said 202.5 this morning which completely bummed me out. I have said this before, but I need to actually do: just weight myself once a week and stop with this daily business. Anyway! So tired I feel almost depressed or something, but I am sleeping and eating well so I took one of David’s vitamins (which turns my pee day glow! lol….), and am hoping my body just needs a little boost. :) Off to bed, night all!

“You pretended the snooze button didn’t exist. You dragged your butt out of bed while others slept. While others ate their pancakes you had a feast of protein, glucose and electrolytes. You double-knotted. You left the porch light on and locked the door behind you. You ran. 5ks, 10ks, 26.2 miles. Some days more, some days less. You rewarded a long run with a short run. And a short run with a long run. Rain tried to slow you. Sun tried to microwave you. Snow made you feel like a warrior. You cramped. You bonked. You paid no mind to comfort. On weekends. On holidays. You made excuses to keep going. Questioned yourself. Played mind games. Put your heart before your knees. Listened to your breathing. Sweat sunscreen into your eyes. Worked on your farmers tan. You hit the wall. You went through it. You decided to be a man about it. You decided to be a woman about it. Finished what you started. Proved what you were made of. Just kept putting mile after mile on your internal odometer.”

“You can only become truly accomplished at something you love. Don’t make money your goal. Instead pursue the things you love doing and then do them so well that people can’t take their eyes off of you.”


Maya Angelou

I would really like to do this Yosemite hike!

Work can only currently be labeled as madness. Yesterday meals were skipped, I was grouchy. Today I was determined to keep my goals in mind, to love myself, to make time for myself. And today I learned that when you need to work through lunch, you still have time for 30 kettle bell swings and a 15 min run. :) Good stuff, I’m telling you. :)

Date a girl who runs

http://thebullrunner.com/2011/03/29/date-a-girl-who-runs/#.TwUcrhpZ7lZ


I love this. :) …and yes, when David asks me why I love it so much, I tell him it is because I can (that this is finally something athletic that I love, that I’m pretty good at, and it is something that I am going to be great at!)

Breakfast

Making use of down time before we head to the gym :)

January 1st run!

Yesterday involved too much champagne, and not enough water (our anniversary and new years eve <3). I was feeling it this morning, but this is longer and faster than my last run over 5 miles!