January 2012

I'm tired.  There, I said it.  :)
I feel like the last 6 months have aged me, both mentally and physically.  I'm trying to fight it, but I think big life change just stresses me.  I have taken up running, added a little yoga, am trying to save save save (or at least not spend so much on groceries! lol....), but I can feel the tension in my life.  Do you know what I mean?  Where you just stop calling friends and family (all I want to do is whine a bit, and who wants to listen to that for six months in a row?).  And when they start calling to check in, you just try to focus on them (because they usually have non-whining things to discuss which are significantly more uplifting), but then after a while they notice!  (Pesky of them, isn't it?)  That you have nothing to say (my mother taught me to keep the snarky stuff to myself), and you've been saying 'fine' for an awfully long time.  But when pushed there isn't MORE to say or do, sometimes maybe there isn't an around, perhaps just a through, as in we will work through this.  Hopefully you will find us stronger soon.

This is particularly fitting after this weekend spent fighting, battling my weight.
You see, though I weigh just over 200 pounds now, I have lost 80 pounds. The thing that motivated me to lose that first 80 was just that I was so tired of hating myself, so tired of being uncomfortable in EVERY circumstance, but I’m not that girl anymore, I hike and bike, I RUN. And now I don’t know how to find the motivation to keep trying to lose weight. I read all of these things about loving yourself enough, taking care of your body and what you put into it, my partner begs me to be healthy for a long life together, but that 80 pounds was two years ago, and for the last two years I haven’t lost anything, I have fluctuated within the same 5 to 7 pounds. I feel like if I could just get to 190 I could really make it, but that just seems so far away.
How do you decide to be thinner than you have ever been? All of the women in my family are obese, I don’t have any idea what I would look like, what my life would need to be like. I read lots of fitness things, I workout like crazy, can lift like one of the boys, I have muscles. No, scratch all of that, I have MANY things to be thankful for, grateful for, and even proud of… but how do you decide to be something you’ve never been before?

Slow and icy - bad run to match my bad mood, but at least I put the miles in.